How to Make the Beauty that is a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

  Achieving the birth of the single-most succulently delectable concoction of pure gold and scarlet (Rutgers Joke) happiness that is the peanut-butter and jelly sandwich is no easy task. Acquiring such a skill is one that takes years of practice and is one that not many have come to fully master. IN FACT, obtaining such a skill this exclusive is so unheard of even just uttering the words PEANUTBUTTER and JELLY and SANDWICH in the same sentence as I write this gives me the chills. However, as one of the very few commandants in the PB&J creating industry left to walk this earth, I feel that I need to take it upon myself to bring into the light the utter beauty and glistening magnificence of this superfood paradise. Years and years of practice have led me to the discovery of what is truly the peanut butter and jelly promised land, a shimmering oasis, THE temple of the sandwich gods. And now that such a feat has been made, I can’t possibly take all of this sweet, sticky treasure for myself! I MUST TELL THE PEOPLE EVERYONE MUST KNOW ABOUT THIS! So, with that being said, prepare yourselves for the single greatest descriptive how-to directional sandwich making blog article of your lives. ITS GONNA GET MESSY

STEP 1. Uncloak only the finest of vessels going by the name of Wonder Bread classic white bread and remove 2 (or 4 if you’ve already reached and surpassed super advanced crafting status in the PB&J making field and wish to make a “double decker”) magically fluffy slices of bread. Proceed to ever-so gently lay them next to each other (FACE UP NOT DOWN THERE IS A DIFFERENCE) on a plate of any form.

STEP 2. After the completion of step one, take both your Skippy brand peanut butter (Chunky is preferred in my opinion but you’re only slightly crazy if you choose smooth) and S’muckers brand grape jelly receptacles and place them next to the plate cradling previously said magically fluffy slices of Wonder Bread classic white bread. VERY CAREFULLY remove the sealed receptacle lids and place them bottom up in a safe, contaminant free area. Now this is where the magic really starts to happen.

STEP 3. COMMENCE THE PLAYING OF CARMEN TWILLIE’S “CIRCLE OF LIFE” (song from the Lion King)

STEP 4. Now that the stage is properly set for the birth of your very own beautiful angiosperm based love sandwich, take a clean butter knife and gently remove some of the quasi-liquid gold inside the Skippy receptacle. Take this precious substance and slowly spread it across the top side of your left slice of magically fluffy bread. Do so as if you’re shaving your own face. This is a very delicate process and could ultimately make or break the overall substance of your sandwich. Without the proper pressure being consistently exerted on said sandwich during the spreading phase of its creation it could ultimately suffocate the breads pores and suffocate the entire thing, thus rendering your buttery slices utterly useless.

STEP 5. WE’VE NOW SURPASSED THE HALFWAY POINT. BEGIN PLAYING HOT CHOCOATES “YOU SEXY THING” TO REALLY SET THE MOOD FOR THIS HOME STRETCH.

STEP 6. Just like in step 5 where you, very properly, demonstrated your ability to not only butter your sandwich but also, love and take tender care of your sandwich during its creation, you will be repeating this same process with your S’muckers grape jelly. Remove approximately 5/8ths the amount of jelly from its receptacle compared to the peanut butter. This butter to jelly ratio has undergone years of tests and trial in order to prove its ability to truly render the best PB&J sandwich there is. TRUST ME ITS DELICOUS. Remember your training, slow and safe wins the race. This magically fluffy slice of Wonder Bread classic white bread isn’t gonna jelly itself but it’s also not going anywhere. It wants you to jelly it. Just do it properly. Tearing a piece of paper along its perforated line is a good hand speed rate to compare this procedure to.

STEP 6. THIS IS IT. QUE THE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRAS BOVADO FINALE. You’re now officially on the cusp of accomplishing true greatness. But, before you can enter the legendary food gardens of virtue, you must complete one last step. EVERY SO GENTLY BUT ALSO QUITE EPICALLY, raise your two glorious slices of magically fluffy Wonder Bread classic white bread smeared to perfection with the exact amount of required grocery store sauce and boldly clamp them together. Sauce-side in of course.

STEP 7. QUICKLY WITH GREAT HASTE continue to place this now infant of a masterpiece into the microwave and heat on high for approximately 22 seconds. This is an extremely vital step in the creation of your sandwich as all organisms need to feel the warmth of their mothers and or fathers love at some point in order to be truly happy. Now that you have officially completed this step you have truly reached the promised land of elementary level food production. You now may freely call yourself a master chef in the tri-ingredient complex sandwich birthing industry.

STEP 8. Now that you have finished basking in your glory for a moment and have returned to the realization that you are still, in fact, quite famished and require the delicious sustenance that your creation can provide, it is time for you to mightily hold up your salacious vessel of glory, let out on last very loud “VIIIIICCCTTOOORRYYYYY” and divulge yourself in your bountiful creation. (so, eat it)

YES, YOU DID IT. I hope you have now grown to appreciate the creation process of the legendary PB&J as much as I do. This has always been a favorite food of mine as it is very pairable with other foods thus making it a regular for me when it’s time to eat. Cherish this skill as it will treat you well whenever you get hungry and need a quick snack. I know I will as having the ability to provide food for myself proves yet to be one of the most underrated gifts our lives have bestowed upon us.