How to Make the Beauty that is a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

  Achieving the birth of the single-most succulently delectable concoction of pure gold and scarlet (Rutgers Joke) happiness that is the peanut-butter and jelly sandwich is no easy task. Acquiring such a skill is one that takes years of practice and is one that not many have come to fully master. IN FACT, obtaining such a skill this exclusive is so unheard of even just uttering the words PEANUTBUTTER and JELLY and SANDWICH in the same sentence as I write this gives me the chills. However, as one of the very few commandants in the PB&J creating industry left to walk this earth, I feel that I need to take it upon myself to bring into the light the utter beauty and glistening magnificence of this superfood paradise. Years and years of practice have led me to the discovery of what is truly the peanut butter and jelly promised land, a shimmering oasis, THE temple of the sandwich gods. And now that such a feat has been made, I can’t possibly take all of this sweet, sticky treasure for myself! I MUST TELL THE PEOPLE EVERYONE MUST KNOW ABOUT THIS! So, with that being said, prepare yourselves for the single greatest descriptive how-to directional sandwich making blog article of your lives. ITS GONNA GET MESSY

STEP 1. Uncloak only the finest of vessels going by the name of Wonder Bread classic white bread and remove 2 (or 4 if you’ve already reached and surpassed super advanced crafting status in the PB&J making field and wish to make a “double decker”) magically fluffy slices of bread. Proceed to ever-so gently lay them next to each other (FACE UP NOT DOWN THERE IS A DIFFERENCE) on a plate of any form.

STEP 2. After the completion of step one, take both your Skippy brand peanut butter (Chunky is preferred in my opinion but you’re only slightly crazy if you choose smooth) and S’muckers brand grape jelly receptacles and place them next to the plate cradling previously said magically fluffy slices of Wonder Bread classic white bread. VERY CAREFULLY remove the sealed receptacle lids and place them bottom up in a safe, contaminant free area. Now this is where the magic really starts to happen.

STEP 3. COMMENCE THE PLAYING OF CARMEN TWILLIE’S “CIRCLE OF LIFE” (song from the Lion King)

STEP 4. Now that the stage is properly set for the birth of your very own beautiful angiosperm based love sandwich, take a clean butter knife and gently remove some of the quasi-liquid gold inside the Skippy receptacle. Take this precious substance and slowly spread it across the top side of your left slice of magically fluffy bread. Do so as if you’re shaving your own face. This is a very delicate process and could ultimately make or break the overall substance of your sandwich. Without the proper pressure being consistently exerted on said sandwich during the spreading phase of its creation it could ultimately suffocate the breads pores and suffocate the entire thing, thus rendering your buttery slices utterly useless.

STEP 5. WE’VE NOW SURPASSED THE HALFWAY POINT. BEGIN PLAYING HOT CHOCOATES “YOU SEXY THING” TO REALLY SET THE MOOD FOR THIS HOME STRETCH.

STEP 6. Just like in step 5 where you, very properly, demonstrated your ability to not only butter your sandwich but also, love and take tender care of your sandwich during its creation, you will be repeating this same process with your S’muckers grape jelly. Remove approximately 5/8ths the amount of jelly from its receptacle compared to the peanut butter. This butter to jelly ratio has undergone years of tests and trial in order to prove its ability to truly render the best PB&J sandwich there is. TRUST ME ITS DELICOUS. Remember your training, slow and safe wins the race. This magically fluffy slice of Wonder Bread classic white bread isn’t gonna jelly itself but it’s also not going anywhere. It wants you to jelly it. Just do it properly. Tearing a piece of paper along its perforated line is a good hand speed rate to compare this procedure to.

STEP 6. THIS IS IT. QUE THE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRAS BOVADO FINALE. You’re now officially on the cusp of accomplishing true greatness. But, before you can enter the legendary food gardens of virtue, you must complete one last step. EVERY SO GENTLY BUT ALSO QUITE EPICALLY, raise your two glorious slices of magically fluffy Wonder Bread classic white bread smeared to perfection with the exact amount of required grocery store sauce and boldly clamp them together. Sauce-side in of course.

STEP 7. QUICKLY WITH GREAT HASTE continue to place this now infant of a masterpiece into the microwave and heat on high for approximately 22 seconds. This is an extremely vital step in the creation of your sandwich as all organisms need to feel the warmth of their mothers and or fathers love at some point in order to be truly happy. Now that you have officially completed this step you have truly reached the promised land of elementary level food production. You now may freely call yourself a master chef in the tri-ingredient complex sandwich birthing industry.

STEP 8. Now that you have finished basking in your glory for a moment and have returned to the realization that you are still, in fact, quite famished and require the delicious sustenance that your creation can provide, it is time for you to mightily hold up your salacious vessel of glory, let out on last very loud “VIIIIICCCTTOOORRYYYYY” and divulge yourself in your bountiful creation. (so, eat it)

YES, YOU DID IT. I hope you have now grown to appreciate the creation process of the legendary PB&J as much as I do. This has always been a favorite food of mine as it is very pairable with other foods thus making it a regular for me when it’s time to eat. Cherish this skill as it will treat you well whenever you get hungry and need a quick snack. I know I will as having the ability to provide food for myself proves yet to be one of the most underrated gifts our lives have bestowed upon us.

The Origin of Me

I grew up in a small town on the west side of Southern (NOT RURAL) Jersey called Woodbury. Here, sitting on the corner of South Childs Street, directly across from Bell Lake, resting on top of a little hill was my home. Smokehouse grey with white trim and a big red brick chimney. This is my home. Here, I was raised by two very loving parents who quickly figured out how to suppress my constant energy overload through the beauty that is year-round sports. Here, I met my younger brother whom I’ve shared many great memories with and continue to do so to this day. Here, I’ve made lifelong friends whom I remain very close with and see constantly. Here, I was blessed with the lives and friendships of 5 great dogs, 3 of which, have moved on to a bigger and better place. Here, I saw numerous family members battle illness, some of which lived to tell the tale and others regrettably did not. Here, I watched the Philadelphia Phillies (YEAH THAT’S RIGHT) win the 2008 world series. Here, I became the man I am today.

21 Christmases, Easters, Thanksgivings, and Groundhogs Days later, I find myself sitting in a very much less glamorous home (to say the least) on Delafield Street here at Rutgers New Brunswick. After high school, I wasn’t exactly sure about what I wanted to do with my life. I knew the general expectation of society was for me to go off to college, get a degree, and start a life somewhere. However, for no specific reason, I didn’t find this idea too enticing. It wasn’t laziness, no, it was just too simple for me. I wanted more excitement in my life. Little did I know that college, especially Rutgers, would wind up being one of the most exciting decisions of my life. When I first arrived here, I had just finished up transferring from my second school in 2 semesters and was headed to my third. I knew a few people that had already gone here from home and was relatively close friends with them, however, I needed to make new friends of my own and create a new circle of people I could also spend my time with. It took no more than 2 hours of unpacking and introducing myself to the people on my floor that I had found the buried treasure of Rutgers dorms. Clothier 7^th floor during the 2015-16 year was one of the loudest, craziest, and ultimately best experiences of my life. It wasn’t long before we became notorious for making the quiet dorm-goers life a living nightmare (But in a good way). When I tell you there wasn’t a single dull moment on my floor I MEAN THERE LITERALLY WAS NOT ONE SINGLE MOMENT LACKING SOME FORM OF RECKLESS EXCITEMENT. Needless to say, accomplishing our school work became even more of a sport than ever as it seemed nearly impossible at times, but the memories and friends I made during this experience are ones I hold strong today. In, fact I’m currently living with 7 of them right now. Therefore, despite the absolute atrocity of a cesspool house I’m currently residing in here at Rutgers, I’m very glad to call it my home.

The people I have encountered in my life have shaped me to be the person I am today. From growing up in my hometown in the better half of New Jersey, to high school, and now college I have encountered numerous places I will now always consider to be my part of my home. These places have all contributed to shaping me into the person I am today. The saying “Home is where the Heart is” hangs above the sliding glass door in my kitchen at my home in South Jersey. Well, with that in mind, there will always be a small piece of my heart in these places and I will always be thankful for my experiences there.

Chasing Down a Dream

At approximately 5:30 this cold, bitter winter morning, my brother rolled out of bed, threw on some under armor and gym shorts, and went off to his daily 6AM workout for his college baseball team. Chris Roan is my younger brother who’s now a freshman in college and is chasing his dream to be a D1 baseball player at Gloucester County Community College. Despite being a small community college, Gloucester County is a regular at the Junior College World Series where they became national champs 2 years ago. Since the age of 3, both my brother and I have been exposed to the great game that is baseball and it didn’t take long for either of us to fall in love with it. His work ethic and drive however, was far greater than anyone else I knew. Day in and day out he would work on perfecting his game. By the time high school came around he was one of the top catchers in South Jersey, earning multiple invites to the Carpenters Cup (highly prestigious tournament for the best players in NJ, Pennsylvania, and NY) and receiving several offers to play at D3 schools. After many hours of tough decision making he finally came to the conclusion that he would stay home commute to community college and play at one of the best player developing colleges in the US. Today after his lovely morning workout I was able to talk to him on the phone and ask him a few questions.

Interview

What do you see yourself doing with your baseball career in 2 years after you get your associates degree? – My goal is to play at a big D1 school somewhere where its warm and preferably near the beach… obviously. I’ve always loved the idea of living the life of a big college baseball player’s lifestyle. The atmosphere of the stadium and fans really adds a whole new element to the game that makes it even more remarkable… especially under the lights.

What do you love most about the sport? – Everything. What isn’t there to love?? From the games style, to the subtle intensity of it, and even just the small of the grass and dirt on a dewy April morning. There’s nothing like it. Its beautiful.

What would you say the biggest difference is between playing on the high school level and the college level? – Definitely the talent level of the other players. Simple mistakes happen much less frequently and the ball tends to fly around the diamond a little faster. (laughs) Its definitely not the same amount of joking around at practice either like we all used too, my coach is really intense. The game also seems to move a lot faster too when I’m out there, its pretty awesome.

What do you look forward to most this upcoming season? -Well, on top of being able to go to Orlando for spring training and play in a tournament down there, I’m really excited to travel around to other schools and play. Really wanna take in the college experience and play all over. HOPEFULLY finishing out the series in Omaha Nebraska (location of World Series). Also I’m really just looking forward to taking my game to the next level where I can perfect my craft and really excel at what I’m doing.

Interview Recap:

Clearly, my brother is very passionate about and devoted to the game. Despite his many early mornings and late nights, he remains upbeat and appears to be loving what he’s doing. On top of that he’s finally surpassed me weight wise (which I still don’t like to admit to this day), but he’s very clearly made a great amount of progress in his just over one semester of college. He is currently battling it out with one other player for the starting spot at catcher and I wish nothing but the best of luck to him.

Super Bowl Scramble Live

February 5^th 2017

Location: My home in Woodbury, New Jersey   

This past weekend I went home to watch the super bowl with my family and friends at the yearly super bowl party at my friend’s house. As usual, I was expecting a pretty rowdy night as there were a significant number of Patriots fans there mixed with the “non-patriots” fans who were rooting for the Falcons. Naturally, right off the bat, things took a turn for the unexpected.

5:34 pm: I walk into the house and am instantly immersed to a very lively and spirited environment. The smell of chili, dips, like 30 different types of chips, and meatball sandwiches warm the air. Looking to my left I see my friend’s dad taking down a few other of my friends in beer pong. After taking a quick octuple-take I proceeded to hunt down a paper plate to support my very soon to be feast of a lifetime.

5:42 pm: After coming to the realization that there were no longer any clean paper plates left and the game hadn’t even started yet, it was time to take action. A hero was needed and I made the executive decision that I was going to be that hero. I had approximately 48 minutes to go out and buy about 100 more paper plates before the game started. Without hesitation, I ran out the house and hopped in the driver’s seat of my trusty vehicle. IT WAS TIME TO RIDE…. There was just one problem. THE CAR DIDN’T START.

5:54 pm: By this point my brother and I are trying to figure out just what exactly to do. No car, time’s a-ticking, and still no plates. I look down at my phone and google the nearest convenience store and notice that there’s a Wawa about 1 mile away. The time had come. I was making a run for it. Down the street I went, sprinting my new PR for my mile time.

6:08 pm: Clearly, I wasn’t nearly as fast or in as good of shape as I was several years earlier. BUT, more importantly, I reached the Wawa and was now desperately scouring the isles for paper plates.

6:10 pm: To my very disbelief, there weren’t any paper plates left. Wawa apparently was the place to go for your Super Bowl party necessities!! I was on the verge of surrender WHEN a streak of hope plunged itself into my heart. Revealing itself to me in the form of a Walgreens sign on the other side of the very busy intersection I found myself peering out over.

6:15 pm: TIME IS SCARCE, I’m frantically trekking my way to the Walgreens now shimmering in golden light. All that lays in front of me is the EXCRUTIATINGLY busy intersection I’ve now been standing at for the past 4 minutes. THAT WAS IT. I had to act. Channeling my inner Frogger abilities, I took a bold first step out into the whizzing traffic. CHAOS EVERYWHERE. The sound of overly distracted and determined people on their wheels of death whiz by me. I, however, am unfazed. The only thing on my mind is that sweet delicious taste of victory in the form of several fully loaded meatball sandwiches with a side of chips on a hefty paper plate. Masterfully but narrowly, I avoid these speeding machines of transport and make my victory leap through the sliding glass doors of Walgreens. I hear Angels singing as I enter the building and truly believe I’m walking on clouds.

                                                                      

6:23 pm: THAT’S IT GLORIOUS VICTORY. I now am holding several large stacks of quality paper plates designed to hold enough food to feed numerous large farm animals. Sprinting to the checkout like I notice the ridiculous line and rather sluggishly moving cashier. 7 MINUTES T GAME TIME. I begin to panic. WHAT DO I DO. Frantically looking around I notice the pharmacy section in the back with the pharmacist standing at what…. A CASH REGISTER. After several moments of pleading my case he agrees to very quietly ring me up and give out a “Go Pats” cheer (which I promptly disregarded). Sprinting out the door and trying to figure out how I was about to make a 7 minute mile possible under my current circumstances, I notice a familiar looking car stopped at the red light 50 feet in front of me. It was my brother, he somehow got the car started. MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. Running up to the car in a very celebratory fashion my brother rolled down the window to let me know my father had brought several packages of paper plates to the party about 10 minutes after I had left. I WENT THROUGH ALL OF THIS FOR NOTHING.

6:28 pm: After all that I had gone through, all the running, trauma, and dangerous endeavors, I was finally sitting in front of the TV with a very generous serving of food. Everything was good. I had made it back in time, was with the people I loved most, and most importantly was about to watch the team I was rooting for blow the largest lead in Super Bowl history. STILL, it will always be a day I will cherish and remember for a long time.