The Elevator: Glistening Doors of Opportunity

How many times in the average life span does one perp ride in an elevator? Yes, exactly, what a great question that is I know. (Where the hell could I possibly be going with this that it would have anything to do starting a social movement? WELL, light the torches and grab your pitchforks because   I’m about to open your eyes to one of the most overlooked opportunities of your lives.) You see no one really knows how many times they’ve ‘vator’ed because no one pays attention to it. YES, I understand it may only just appear to be a metal box of roughly 15 square feet attached to a few cables, BUT, one must delve a little deeper, dabble with the idea of magic, and think outside of this large metal box in order to see the true golden ticket to the Willy’s chocolate waterfall of opportunity this really is. PICTURE THIS, you’re standing in a relatively well-lit, space restricted room with absolutely zero conversation avoiding elements built into it whatsoever. There’s always a moment or two upon entry into this mystical box of wonder when you get to admire your forehead in the ceiling mirror and ask yourself if the song playing through the little speaker on the button panel is the same one from that Whole Foods commercial you saw last week to really get those conversational animal juices flowing. THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, two executives and the CEO of the major corporation you’re on your way to interview for walk into the little room with you. WHAT DO YOU DO!?!?

Option A: Unleash a whirlwind of the most foul smelling intestinal gas spearheaded by that double meat and cheese burrito you ate for lunch 2 hours prior to this exact moment, smile in the corner because despite the utterly devastating effects this travesty of a body movement would have on any living organism it touches you’re still kinda proud of it, and then blame it on the other guy with watery eyes currently gas masking himself with his suit jacket.

Option B: Proceed to sit in the feeble position and begin crying uncontrollably, scream random nonsensical things at the top of your lungs every time one of the three gentleman try to help you, and then sprint out of the elevator the next time those big silver doors imprisoning you in this apparent box of despair open up to the outside world.

Option C: Pull the fire alarm thus stopping the elevator in between floors utterly trapping you with the brass of your dream company, break the one and only light in the small oxygen-limited room your trapped in, and begin chanting voodoo in an attempt to cast spells on them.

Option D: Try to kiss the CEO.

Option AA: Strike up a rousing conversation with the three fine gentleman showing them just how tremendous of a person you truly are, crack a few light hearted jokes about the one with the nerdy glasses, and when those shimmering chrome doors open again (to the right floor this time) lead them out in Moses-esque fashion across the company floor arms spread wide, chin up, gazing out upon the vastness that is now your new kingdom and leave such an outstanding impression on them that you might as well just start moving your stuff into that empty corner office.

I think we all know what the correct answer is here. Option C DOES make it as tough a decision there can be, I know, BUT personally I would have to take AA in this scenario. One can’t pass up an opportunity like that!! Save your spell casting for park benches and bus rides, when it comes to riding in an elevator and a once in a lifetime opportunity presents itself like that you need to be prepared to pounce!! In other words, don’t be one of those people huddled in the corner with your head down buried in your phone or who knows what else. A simple hello with a side of smile and not will this person try to smell me if I get to close to them vibe can go a long way when in close quarter situations such as an elevator ride. You never know who’s gonna come through those glistening doors next, maybe it’s the love of your life or even your next employer, so remember to stay on top of your game and, most of all, enjoy the ride.

The Single Best Story of All Time

TODAY. RIGHT NOW. RIGHT HERE. THIS IS IT, THE MOMENT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. PREPARE YOURSELVES. The comedy oriented blog post of a life time is in its early stages of birth. Like a supernova about to shine its brightest, the Wright Brothers on the verge of mastering their flying machine, and water being bottled for the first time ever, this bang of a post is about to be so big they might even have to rename the show. When I first heard last week that it was finally time to let our creative minds dip their long, neatly clipped toes into the hot springs of humor  and dabble with all the endless possibilities it would present, I became overwhelmed. Like seriously, how often do we really get to write about ANYTHING as long as it’s somewhat comically based and doesn’t not un-deter from not at all making any anti- nonsensical statements. This actually is too good to be true. I feel like I should be out standing on a cliff somewhere overlooking a vast herd of majestic wildebeest as I write this in the vibrant Tanzanian sunset just radiating a valiant aura of epic proportions while being narrated by James Earl Jones (Now that’s a descriptor sentence). With every strike my fingers make on the keyboard of my 2015 Microsoft Surface 3, a golden bolt of lightning should stream out across the sky as the Old Spice guy’s face appears and says something like “Believe in your smellf”. Yes, its that big of a deal.

 Well anyway, enough about me. TIME FOR THE POST. Seriously, it’s so good. I can’t wait until you guys read it. UNLEASH THE STORY (Like the Kracken from “Clash of the Titans” but instead of a giant Octopus monster/demi-god it’s a blog post). PRETTY SIMILAR THOUGH IN MY OPINION. Ok, well here goes. I am now officially beginning my ascent to comedic blog infamy. It took me almost 3 full days of intense meditation to actually even come up with this idea too. That’s really the secret behind finding inspiration to write (Fun Fact). An intimate, uplifting meditation session followed by a good hearty bowl of Raisin Bran, an integral part of any balanced breakfast, will send the brain into a maniacally unstoppable rampage of writing genius. In fact, I’m eating a

bowl of those miracle flakes right now. One could probably pin that as the catalyst behind how astronomically astounding this blog post is going to be. Now that the feature presentation is about to begin, a few questions need to be addressed beforehand.

1.      Yes, this story is, in fact, based off of true events surrounding my life.

2.     Yes, this story is, in fact, excruciatingly embarrassing for myself and may or may not include tremendous amounts of nudity.

3.     Yes, this story is, in fact, not available to the public anywhere else, although purchase of said story is possible. Price negotiable.

4.     Yes, this story is, in fact, NOW for real this time, about to begin.

HERE WE GO…

A-

Obsession with the Unexpected

To be obsessed with something is to have an absolute undying passion for whatever that something is. So instead of quickly deciding to write either about baseball or eating or Star Wars, which are like the 3 great loves I have in this world, I decided to delve a little deeper into the inner-sanctum of my mind and uncover another obsession of mine. It didn’t take too long for me to realize that I also have a passion for adventure. No matter what it is that I wind up doing on any given day, I crave excitement. Fortunately, for me, I have no problem at all finding it. From the moment I was born, I like to believe that I was graced with the ability to look at something from an extremely different angle than most other people. Constantly, I’ve found ways to do something out of the ordinary from most people. I am a trailblazer.

Yes, this obsession with the unordinary can, has, and will most likely to continue to blow up in my face from time to time, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. The way I see it, every time something unplanned or unexpected happens, I’m being given one hell of an opportunity. The gods themselves are reaching down to me, tapping me on the shoulder, and saying “Here son, you see that party bus over there on the other side of the street? Go have yourself a seat inside and see where it takes you,”. (True story, lets just say spring break was great even though I was not able to go to the Meek Mill concert it wound up driving to) Stories like these are ones I’ll be able to look back on as an old man and tell my grandkids without a regret in the world. A life filled with regret is one not worth living. Having the ability to look back on my life knowing I lived it the best way I could is something that has always been extremely important to me.

My obsession with the unordinary drives me to constantly explore new places. I want to see everything and do everything basically all the time. This drive causes me to constantly plan new trips with my friends to unseen places such as big cities down to even just a new restaurant that supposedly has a good sandwich. The potential for something exciting to happen is always at your fingertips and I strive to maximize the potential for something unexpected to happen. I find that this can help make even the most uneventful of days more exciting.

I have always lived my life with the mentality that any given moment could be your last. An obsession for adventure and excitement has helped me create a non-stop plethora of unexpected moments in which I’ve created a wonderful memory. Living my life to its absolute fullest will always be a main priority of mine and obsessing over making the next great chapter in the story of my life will help to ensure that I accomplish just that.

How to Make the Beauty that is a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

  Achieving the birth of the single-most succulently delectable concoction of pure gold and scarlet (Rutgers Joke) happiness that is the peanut-butter and jelly sandwich is no easy task. Acquiring such a skill is one that takes years of practice and is one that not many have come to fully master. IN FACT, obtaining such a skill this exclusive is so unheard of even just uttering the words PEANUTBUTTER and JELLY and SANDWICH in the same sentence as I write this gives me the chills. However, as one of the very few commandants in the PB&J creating industry left to walk this earth, I feel that I need to take it upon myself to bring into the light the utter beauty and glistening magnificence of this superfood paradise. Years and years of practice have led me to the discovery of what is truly the peanut butter and jelly promised land, a shimmering oasis, THE temple of the sandwich gods. And now that such a feat has been made, I can’t possibly take all of this sweet, sticky treasure for myself! I MUST TELL THE PEOPLE EVERYONE MUST KNOW ABOUT THIS! So, with that being said, prepare yourselves for the single greatest descriptive how-to directional sandwich making blog article of your lives. ITS GONNA GET MESSY

STEP 1. Uncloak only the finest of vessels going by the name of Wonder Bread classic white bread and remove 2 (or 4 if you’ve already reached and surpassed super advanced crafting status in the PB&J making field and wish to make a “double decker”) magically fluffy slices of bread. Proceed to ever-so gently lay them next to each other (FACE UP NOT DOWN THERE IS A DIFFERENCE) on a plate of any form.

STEP 2. After the completion of step one, take both your Skippy brand peanut butter (Chunky is preferred in my opinion but you’re only slightly crazy if you choose smooth) and S’muckers brand grape jelly receptacles and place them next to the plate cradling previously said magically fluffy slices of Wonder Bread classic white bread. VERY CAREFULLY remove the sealed receptacle lids and place them bottom up in a safe, contaminant free area. Now this is where the magic really starts to happen.

STEP 3. COMMENCE THE PLAYING OF CARMEN TWILLIE’S “CIRCLE OF LIFE” (song from the Lion King)

STEP 4. Now that the stage is properly set for the birth of your very own beautiful angiosperm based love sandwich, take a clean butter knife and gently remove some of the quasi-liquid gold inside the Skippy receptacle. Take this precious substance and slowly spread it across the top side of your left slice of magically fluffy bread. Do so as if you’re shaving your own face. This is a very delicate process and could ultimately make or break the overall substance of your sandwich. Without the proper pressure being consistently exerted on said sandwich during the spreading phase of its creation it could ultimately suffocate the breads pores and suffocate the entire thing, thus rendering your buttery slices utterly useless.

STEP 5. WE’VE NOW SURPASSED THE HALFWAY POINT. BEGIN PLAYING HOT CHOCOATES “YOU SEXY THING” TO REALLY SET THE MOOD FOR THIS HOME STRETCH.

STEP 6. Just like in step 5 where you, very properly, demonstrated your ability to not only butter your sandwich but also, love and take tender care of your sandwich during its creation, you will be repeating this same process with your S’muckers grape jelly. Remove approximately 5/8ths the amount of jelly from its receptacle compared to the peanut butter. This butter to jelly ratio has undergone years of tests and trial in order to prove its ability to truly render the best PB&J sandwich there is. TRUST ME ITS DELICOUS. Remember your training, slow and safe wins the race. This magically fluffy slice of Wonder Bread classic white bread isn’t gonna jelly itself but it’s also not going anywhere. It wants you to jelly it. Just do it properly. Tearing a piece of paper along its perforated line is a good hand speed rate to compare this procedure to.

STEP 6. THIS IS IT. QUE THE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRAS BOVADO FINALE. You’re now officially on the cusp of accomplishing true greatness. But, before you can enter the legendary food gardens of virtue, you must complete one last step. EVERY SO GENTLY BUT ALSO QUITE EPICALLY, raise your two glorious slices of magically fluffy Wonder Bread classic white bread smeared to perfection with the exact amount of required grocery store sauce and boldly clamp them together. Sauce-side in of course.

STEP 7. QUICKLY WITH GREAT HASTE continue to place this now infant of a masterpiece into the microwave and heat on high for approximately 22 seconds. This is an extremely vital step in the creation of your sandwich as all organisms need to feel the warmth of their mothers and or fathers love at some point in order to be truly happy. Now that you have officially completed this step you have truly reached the promised land of elementary level food production. You now may freely call yourself a master chef in the tri-ingredient complex sandwich birthing industry.

STEP 8. Now that you have finished basking in your glory for a moment and have returned to the realization that you are still, in fact, quite famished and require the delicious sustenance that your creation can provide, it is time for you to mightily hold up your salacious vessel of glory, let out on last very loud “VIIIIICCCTTOOORRYYYYY” and divulge yourself in your bountiful creation. (so, eat it)

YES, YOU DID IT. I hope you have now grown to appreciate the creation process of the legendary PB&J as much as I do. This has always been a favorite food of mine as it is very pairable with other foods thus making it a regular for me when it’s time to eat. Cherish this skill as it will treat you well whenever you get hungry and need a quick snack. I know I will as having the ability to provide food for myself proves yet to be one of the most underrated gifts our lives have bestowed upon us.

The Origin of Me

I grew up in a small town on the west side of Southern (NOT RURAL) Jersey called Woodbury. Here, sitting on the corner of South Childs Street, directly across from Bell Lake, resting on top of a little hill was my home. Smokehouse grey with white trim and a big red brick chimney. This is my home. Here, I was raised by two very loving parents who quickly figured out how to suppress my constant energy overload through the beauty that is year-round sports. Here, I met my younger brother whom I’ve shared many great memories with and continue to do so to this day. Here, I’ve made lifelong friends whom I remain very close with and see constantly. Here, I was blessed with the lives and friendships of 5 great dogs, 3 of which, have moved on to a bigger and better place. Here, I saw numerous family members battle illness, some of which lived to tell the tale and others regrettably did not. Here, I watched the Philadelphia Phillies (YEAH THAT’S RIGHT) win the 2008 world series. Here, I became the man I am today.

21 Christmases, Easters, Thanksgivings, and Groundhogs Days later, I find myself sitting in a very much less glamorous home (to say the least) on Delafield Street here at Rutgers New Brunswick. After high school, I wasn’t exactly sure about what I wanted to do with my life. I knew the general expectation of society was for me to go off to college, get a degree, and start a life somewhere. However, for no specific reason, I didn’t find this idea too enticing. It wasn’t laziness, no, it was just too simple for me. I wanted more excitement in my life. Little did I know that college, especially Rutgers, would wind up being one of the most exciting decisions of my life. When I first arrived here, I had just finished up transferring from my second school in 2 semesters and was headed to my third. I knew a few people that had already gone here from home and was relatively close friends with them, however, I needed to make new friends of my own and create a new circle of people I could also spend my time with. It took no more than 2 hours of unpacking and introducing myself to the people on my floor that I had found the buried treasure of Rutgers dorms. Clothier 7^th floor during the 2015-16 year was one of the loudest, craziest, and ultimately best experiences of my life. It wasn’t long before we became notorious for making the quiet dorm-goers life a living nightmare (But in a good way). When I tell you there wasn’t a single dull moment on my floor I MEAN THERE LITERALLY WAS NOT ONE SINGLE MOMENT LACKING SOME FORM OF RECKLESS EXCITEMENT. Needless to say, accomplishing our school work became even more of a sport than ever as it seemed nearly impossible at times, but the memories and friends I made during this experience are ones I hold strong today. In, fact I’m currently living with 7 of them right now. Therefore, despite the absolute atrocity of a cesspool house I’m currently residing in here at Rutgers, I’m very glad to call it my home.

The people I have encountered in my life have shaped me to be the person I am today. From growing up in my hometown in the better half of New Jersey, to high school, and now college I have encountered numerous places I will now always consider to be my part of my home. These places have all contributed to shaping me into the person I am today. The saying “Home is where the Heart is” hangs above the sliding glass door in my kitchen at my home in South Jersey. Well, with that in mind, there will always be a small piece of my heart in these places and I will always be thankful for my experiences there.

Chasing Down a Dream

At approximately 5:30 this cold, bitter winter morning, my brother rolled out of bed, threw on some under armor and gym shorts, and went off to his daily 6AM workout for his college baseball team. Chris Roan is my younger brother who’s now a freshman in college and is chasing his dream to be a D1 baseball player at Gloucester County Community College. Despite being a small community college, Gloucester County is a regular at the Junior College World Series where they became national champs 2 years ago. Since the age of 3, both my brother and I have been exposed to the great game that is baseball and it didn’t take long for either of us to fall in love with it. His work ethic and drive however, was far greater than anyone else I knew. Day in and day out he would work on perfecting his game. By the time high school came around he was one of the top catchers in South Jersey, earning multiple invites to the Carpenters Cup (highly prestigious tournament for the best players in NJ, Pennsylvania, and NY) and receiving several offers to play at D3 schools. After many hours of tough decision making he finally came to the conclusion that he would stay home commute to community college and play at one of the best player developing colleges in the US. Today after his lovely morning workout I was able to talk to him on the phone and ask him a few questions.

Interview

What do you see yourself doing with your baseball career in 2 years after you get your associates degree? – My goal is to play at a big D1 school somewhere where its warm and preferably near the beach… obviously. I’ve always loved the idea of living the life of a big college baseball player’s lifestyle. The atmosphere of the stadium and fans really adds a whole new element to the game that makes it even more remarkable… especially under the lights.

What do you love most about the sport? – Everything. What isn’t there to love?? From the games style, to the subtle intensity of it, and even just the small of the grass and dirt on a dewy April morning. There’s nothing like it. Its beautiful.

What would you say the biggest difference is between playing on the high school level and the college level? – Definitely the talent level of the other players. Simple mistakes happen much less frequently and the ball tends to fly around the diamond a little faster. (laughs) Its definitely not the same amount of joking around at practice either like we all used too, my coach is really intense. The game also seems to move a lot faster too when I’m out there, its pretty awesome.

What do you look forward to most this upcoming season? -Well, on top of being able to go to Orlando for spring training and play in a tournament down there, I’m really excited to travel around to other schools and play. Really wanna take in the college experience and play all over. HOPEFULLY finishing out the series in Omaha Nebraska (location of World Series). Also I’m really just looking forward to taking my game to the next level where I can perfect my craft and really excel at what I’m doing.

Interview Recap:

Clearly, my brother is very passionate about and devoted to the game. Despite his many early mornings and late nights, he remains upbeat and appears to be loving what he’s doing. On top of that he’s finally surpassed me weight wise (which I still don’t like to admit to this day), but he’s very clearly made a great amount of progress in his just over one semester of college. He is currently battling it out with one other player for the starting spot at catcher and I wish nothing but the best of luck to him.

Super Bowl Scramble Live

February 5^th 2017

Location: My home in Woodbury, New Jersey   

This past weekend I went home to watch the super bowl with my family and friends at the yearly super bowl party at my friend’s house. As usual, I was expecting a pretty rowdy night as there were a significant number of Patriots fans there mixed with the “non-patriots” fans who were rooting for the Falcons. Naturally, right off the bat, things took a turn for the unexpected.

5:34 pm: I walk into the house and am instantly immersed to a very lively and spirited environment. The smell of chili, dips, like 30 different types of chips, and meatball sandwiches warm the air. Looking to my left I see my friend’s dad taking down a few other of my friends in beer pong. After taking a quick octuple-take I proceeded to hunt down a paper plate to support my very soon to be feast of a lifetime.

5:42 pm: After coming to the realization that there were no longer any clean paper plates left and the game hadn’t even started yet, it was time to take action. A hero was needed and I made the executive decision that I was going to be that hero. I had approximately 48 minutes to go out and buy about 100 more paper plates before the game started. Without hesitation, I ran out the house and hopped in the driver’s seat of my trusty vehicle. IT WAS TIME TO RIDE…. There was just one problem. THE CAR DIDN’T START.

5:54 pm: By this point my brother and I are trying to figure out just what exactly to do. No car, time’s a-ticking, and still no plates. I look down at my phone and google the nearest convenience store and notice that there’s a Wawa about 1 mile away. The time had come. I was making a run for it. Down the street I went, sprinting my new PR for my mile time.

6:08 pm: Clearly, I wasn’t nearly as fast or in as good of shape as I was several years earlier. BUT, more importantly, I reached the Wawa and was now desperately scouring the isles for paper plates.

6:10 pm: To my very disbelief, there weren’t any paper plates left. Wawa apparently was the place to go for your Super Bowl party necessities!! I was on the verge of surrender WHEN a streak of hope plunged itself into my heart. Revealing itself to me in the form of a Walgreens sign on the other side of the very busy intersection I found myself peering out over.

6:15 pm: TIME IS SCARCE, I’m frantically trekking my way to the Walgreens now shimmering in golden light. All that lays in front of me is the EXCRUTIATINGLY busy intersection I’ve now been standing at for the past 4 minutes. THAT WAS IT. I had to act. Channeling my inner Frogger abilities, I took a bold first step out into the whizzing traffic. CHAOS EVERYWHERE. The sound of overly distracted and determined people on their wheels of death whiz by me. I, however, am unfazed. The only thing on my mind is that sweet delicious taste of victory in the form of several fully loaded meatball sandwiches with a side of chips on a hefty paper plate. Masterfully but narrowly, I avoid these speeding machines of transport and make my victory leap through the sliding glass doors of Walgreens. I hear Angels singing as I enter the building and truly believe I’m walking on clouds.

                                                                      

6:23 pm: THAT’S IT GLORIOUS VICTORY. I now am holding several large stacks of quality paper plates designed to hold enough food to feed numerous large farm animals. Sprinting to the checkout like I notice the ridiculous line and rather sluggishly moving cashier. 7 MINUTES T GAME TIME. I begin to panic. WHAT DO I DO. Frantically looking around I notice the pharmacy section in the back with the pharmacist standing at what…. A CASH REGISTER. After several moments of pleading my case he agrees to very quietly ring me up and give out a “Go Pats” cheer (which I promptly disregarded). Sprinting out the door and trying to figure out how I was about to make a 7 minute mile possible under my current circumstances, I notice a familiar looking car stopped at the red light 50 feet in front of me. It was my brother, he somehow got the car started. MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. Running up to the car in a very celebratory fashion my brother rolled down the window to let me know my father had brought several packages of paper plates to the party about 10 minutes after I had left. I WENT THROUGH ALL OF THIS FOR NOTHING.

6:28 pm: After all that I had gone through, all the running, trauma, and dangerous endeavors, I was finally sitting in front of the TV with a very generous serving of food. Everything was good. I had made it back in time, was with the people I loved most, and most importantly was about to watch the team I was rooting for blow the largest lead in Super Bowl history. STILL, it will always be a day I will cherish and remember for a long time.